Occationally, have you ever had that feeling when you're wandering in the streets. that you are not sure why you're here, what you're doing here, where is this place, and even, not knowing who you are and what you were doing those years? I had this kind of spirit-knocked-down feeling several times in my life, especially when you are calm and focused.
I am always saying, life is about making yourself happy and ease, getting to know others and try to hold on some really good friends. But to friends, the feeling is qutie different as i am growing up and being into the damn society. I have some of my life-long friends till now and I suppose they will surely last a life-long time, even I left this land. But my true friends are the ones knowing my past best but knowing my precent least. In my mind, I take for granted that they will bear and forgive all my wrong-doings now and then in my most recent and future life.
Nowadays, every day I turned on my iPad, I start my reading from Weibo, Bloomberg, MarketWatch, my own stocks' status, then turn to beauties pages in my Zaker APP. I suddenly asked myself, how my life would be like, if any fragment choices made by me differentials. That's really a very challenging and sometimes sad question. I might be in some kind of U.S. university and calculatiing and proving on some Math problems; I might be with some tiny little girl and started my family and all my day thoughts were about the down-payments and how to make some money from the stock market; even I might be quite a different guy, shy and less-words, living on my parents' benecifits, socially and capitally. As we all know as a Math graduate, Chaos and fractals are not gonna be fully path-catched, so does life itself. But I am really glad that I am still alive vividly and have my gifts from God or something like that. I went through pains and even more in front of my awaiting; I had my own happiness, from different things, archivements, and from different people, and I suppose there must be more in my future no mather what is future; I got a lot of things, and lost a lot; I shared my memories with a lot of people walking with me before and many people shared theirs with me; I've been scolded via a lot of things at different places, and I've appraised a lot by a lot of person at different life stages. Everyone has several parts, some are good, some are evil, some takes the full responisibilities, some you just went away or ran away.
I was watching CSI:New York last morning, S7E22. In the end, I nosed that Mac Tyler might not appear in season 8, and I was sad. I don't know why, and I can make up a lot of decent reasons as it's one of my advantages. I watched this sitcom for the very beginning as I was an undergraduate, it's another thing that companying my youth just as others that might already fading away, Michael Jordan, Schumi, Pete Sampras, Jack Bauer, Superman, etc. When something in your life comes to an end, the feeling is hard. So there are two choice for not switching to a hard mood, one is to hold this on and on, which is not that realistic especially the decision is on others; another one is simple, donot ever sink in the bond with this thing. Choose the latter one, is some kind of cruel. As a youth, this is even hard emotionally to choose that one, you have sincere feeling, desire and you just don't know that, there are so many things you couldn't get no matter how hard you would try. Just looking back, your words-of-commitment to your first boyfriend of grilfriend, your desiring intention on your first job, or something on the first terms of running in your life.
Next time, when you are feeling lost on the street or even at your desk, just this feeling running in your heart. NIce try if you take a mental ride to look back, asking yourself just few simple questions, why I am here? How far and how hard I've been making though to this point? Is anyhing in your life concerning you most but you've already forgotten? Sink your thoughts, walking around, watching the people slipping by your shoulders, and the city lights, listening to the heart-beatings of the circumstances and yours. LIfe is not about how much do you have, and how large privilige you've already owned, life is simple, to make you feel good, maybe the satisfication comes from wealth, fame or power, but most of all, when all the beautiful curtains tied up, it's your heart which need to be feed, peacefully. Maybe that's why I like Xiamen, I was wandering all the time when I was in everytime, no particular thoughts, desires or even life. Some places is not for any feeling, they are places designed by Great Creators to let no feeling and designed desire to fulfill.
Everytime, you don't know what's next, just hold on and let go. Paradise is out of reach and you are sufferring with great joys.